My Fast Food Condiment Adventure

Two months ago, when I read about the "new" sauces McDonald's was coming out with, I considered trying them all and writing about it, an idea I quickly discarded for two reasons: 1) several other people did it, too, and 2) there really wasn't anything new about the sauces. I'd tried them all before over the years. They were just packaged differently.

Then, while texting with a friend about the sauces - the Angels weren't playing that day so we didn't have anything else to talk about - I got an idea: why not try all the fast food sauces I have enjoyed in the past and see if I can come up with my favorite?

Two years ago, on the third Friday in July, I wrote about trying all the chili cheese fries in Pasadena. Last year I wrote about trying every value menu chicken sandwich. This year, it's fast food condiments. I rounded up several of them for a tasting.

Arby's sauce - their "signature barbeque sauce - is better than almost any fast food chain's barbecue sauce in that it is not overly sweet. It is on the thin side and has a nice peppery kick to it. At the Arby's closest to me, in Alhambra, they have it in a serve-yourself pump. My friend Zach and I have often joked about filling a Mason jar with it when no one is looking, but we've never actually gotten around to trying.

I love horseradish, but most horseradish sauces I find to be too heavy on the mayo and too skimpy on the horseradish - they are basically just a slightly-spicy mayo. Arby's Horsey sauce bucks this trend, though: it is full of spicy horseradish flavor. Not as spicy as I make horseradish sauce at home, of course, but then again I can't judge fast food condiments against the standard of how I would make them or this whole adventure is pointless.

McDonald's Spicy Buffalo sauce is surprisingly good. It is spicy - I know it seems silly to applaud a Buffalo sauce for actually tasting spicy, but I am often shocked at how many of them are not - and full of pepper flavor. Often a comparable sauce will taste quite buttery, but this one does not. Of the "new" McDonald's flavors, this one is my favorite. (I have to admit I did not try the ranch; I have never had a ranch sauce that I found to be anything other than boring.)

I actually went to Jack in the Box intending to get a honey mustard - which I've enjoyed before. The girl behind the counter informed me they don't order honey mustard at that particular location. She seemed genuinely sorry about it.

"I would totally give you some if we had it," she said. "I'm not lying."

It had never occurred to me that she might be. She gave me a sweet & sour sauce, something I hadn't even asked for. It was exactly what I've come to expect from sweet & sour sauces: all sweet, no sour. I can see how this would complement one of Jack's delicious egg rolls, but other than that I have no use for it.

It's hard for me to say any particular fast food condiment is my favorite, but if I tried to, Church's creamy jalapeno sauce would be a strong contender. It is most definitely creamy, but there is certainly the spice of jalapenos present. This goes beautifully with Church's fried chicken entrees.

Jack in the Box's barbecue sauce, while not being nearly as good as Arby's sauce, is still better than the average fast food barbecue sauce. It has a slight smoky flavor to it and, while it is certainly sweet to me, it is not cloying.

Popeyes used to carry Delta sauce, which I always suspected would win a showdown between fast food condiments. It was spicy and went perfectly with their fried seafood. But they stopped carrying it - yes, I went to three different Popeyes to check - as well as their horseradish sauce. Why, I don't know. But they still have their spicy honey mustard, and it is damn good. This is what I want honey mustard to taste like: a touch of sweetness, but mostly spicy, vinegary mustard.

McDonald's has offered sweet 'n sour sauce with their nuggets as long as I can remember. I imagine I liked it as a kid - particularly as part of the Shanghai McNuggets that I have longed for for years - but it just doesn't do anything for me now.

Once, when I was a kid, my grandmother picked up a Honeybaked ham for a holiday, as well as a jar of their honey mustard. I ate way too much of the condiment - I believe at one point I was taking the croutons off my salad and dipping them in it - and got sick to my stomach. That was twenty years ago but I still get a little queasy when I taste similar honey mustards, those sweet-tasting sauces that leave a film on the roof of your mouth. And that describes Burger King's honey mustard. I must have remembered it differently or I never would have included it here. It was the only sauce I tried here that I strongly disliked. 

McDonald's honey mustard, on the other hand, is delicious, probably my favorite fast food honey mustard. There is a slightly-spicy bite of whole grain mustard, balanced very nicely by the sweetness of honey. It goes well with fried food, which is all I really like from McDonald's.

I tried McDonald's sweet chili sauce when it debuted in 2010 during the Winter Olympics. I liked it. It was too sweet up front but I tasted a little bit of spice on the back end. This container, however, was all sweet and no chili heat. Disappointing.

I got a container of McDonald's barbecue sauce simply because I was there, but in truth I've never been a big fan. I have always found it too sweet - as you can probably tell, I much prefer spiciness to sweetness - and this occasion was no different. I don't hate it, but I don't like it very much. It's been years since I've tried it and I'm sure it will be years since I try it again, if I ever do.

There is a reason why I rarely try any of the sweet sauces from McDonald's: because I love their hot mustard. That's all I ever ask for. I once stopped at a McDonald's in Oregon for breakfast on one gorgeous autumn morning. I had a sausage biscuit and I asked for some extra hot mustard. The girl told me they were 15 cents each. I bought ten - then had a thought:

"Do you have like a case of it I could buy?" I asked her. I don't know where that came from. Road trips give me strange ideas.

She checked with her manager.

"We can't do that," she said.

I wish she had, though. I really love this sauce.

I've made it pretty clear that I'm not a Burger King fan, but I have to say, their Zesty sauce is very good. When I first tried it, I expected it to taste like a mayo with a little ketchup thrown in, but there is an unmistakable horseradish taste to it. It actually is a bit spicy. (After oil and water, horseradish is the third ingredient.) There isn't really anything on the BK menu that I like, so I rarely get this sauce, but perhaps I should stockpile some to eat with other restaurants' items.

Five years ago, Wendy's came out with some new sauces for a limited time: Sweet & Spicy Hawaiian and Wild Buffalo Ranch. I thought they were on the right track; the former was pretty tasty. But then the sauces went away, never to return. So all we have now are three sauces that are all too sweet for my taste: honey mustard, barbecue, and sweet & sour. Of the three, honey mustard is the one I usually get. I wish it had a little more bite to it, but for a creamy honey mustard, it's not too bad.

Well, that was kind of gross. Fun, though. Originally I had planned to rank the sauces, but that idea gave way to simply ranking my top 5 favorites. But I'm not even sure that's possible. I will say, however, that the Church's creamy jalapeno, McDonald's hot mustard, and Burger King Zesty sauce are the three that stand out for me

I wonder what I'll attempt next year.