Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The End Of Football & The Letdown Of The Repetitively Named Taco Bell Touchdown $5 Buck Box

Six weeks ago Taco Bell announced the unveiling of a football-themed box full of food. I did not consider trying it because... well, because it's Taco Bell. Even a football theme doesn't inspire me to try Taco Bell items that I have already eaten. (And I'm the guy who once drove to Burger King at midnight so I could get a Krusty the Clown talking watch.)

The box was released in conjunction with the BCS championship game a month ago, so I just assumed it had disappeared. And I did not shed any tears. But a few days ago I was driving past a Taco Bell with a sign for the box in the window. I was listening to sports talk radio, about the Super Bowl, and I thought Yes, I am in a football mood now. The best part about the box is that it is supposed to have a football field printed on it, with hash marks, so that one can ball up a taco wrapper and play finger-flick-football.

I asked the guy behind the counter if the signs were indeed accurate and they were still offering the box. He said they were. It was then that I noticed something curious about it: it's called the "Touchdown $5 Buck Box." Are both the dollar sign and word "buck" necessary? Shouldn't it be the "Touchdown $5 Box" or the Touchdown 5 Buck Box"?

"I will have the Touchdown Five Dollar Buck Box" I announced.

A few minutes later I took it out of the bag and my heart sank. Well, not really, but the box was just a bland box reading "Big Box Meal." What the hell? There was no football field. There were no hash marks. It's just a box that turns into... a box.

So I turned my attention to the food. The Not-Touchdown Five Dollar Buck Box, in the "Volcano" version that I ordered, comes with five things: a Volcano Taco, a Volcano Burrito, a Crunchy Taco, Cinnamon Twists, and a medium drink.

I selected a Diet Pepsi; I didn't want this meal to be unhealthy.

The first thing I did was discard the cinnamon twists. I don't believe there is any occasion in which I would eat these. The regular taco is something I have not had from Taco Bell since I was a teenager. It was every bit as greasy - and yet still bland - as I remember them being. Even when I sluiced the taco with Taco Bell's roasted pepper hot sauce (which I love) it still was not any good.

I like the Volcano taco and burrito. They both lack much substance and together they weigh in at 1020 calories, a ridiculous amount even by fast food standards, but I like the spicy flavor of the "hot lava" sauce.

I considered going back in and pointing out that this was not a Touchdown box and that I couldn't play finger-flick-football. I didn't necessarily want my money back but I thought the manager could at least sit down at one of the tables and play a game with me. We could have used hot sauce packets as hash marks and gotten a pretty good game going. I would have let him go first and everything. I figured I was owed that after their deception.

But then I realized I didn't really care. Football season is over and this was simply the final reminder.


Diana said...

1020 calories?! Even I'm surprised at that number!

JustinM said...

Yeah, if you eat all four things it's 1360 calories. But see, I tricked The Man... I didn't eat the cinnamon twists, so it was only 1190 calories, and then I was going to play flick football for at least 5 minutes, which probably would have burned about 900 calories. So this would have been a healthy meal.

Nosh Gnostic said...

I've got a piece of green felt, scissors and a stub of chalk - just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

PP you listen to sports talk radio? oh for shame.

JustinM said...

I would be much more ashamed to be listening to any of the music currently on the airwaves.